…His faithfulness isn’t weighed by whether or not I’m feeling it, or seeing ‘it’, whatever ‘it’ is, in its full glory. His faithfulness, it just is. It always is and our eyes will see it when whatever situation comes to pass that we’ve been waiting for, when it comes into its full fruition. Oftentimes looking so much different than what we hoped or imagined possible. That’s where His faithfulness requires a trust like no other in order to fully absorb all that is there for us to see and know as God is so kind to reveal Himself in ways we could never have seen without whatever we had gone through. Always taking what the enemy meant for evil and making it good, redeeming what this beautiful yet broken world, with broken people (I being one of them) has brought.
But you’ll eventually come to know that no matter where in the timeline you are in waiting, He always shows Himself faithful.
I was ‘writing’ in my head and made myself stop and start writing here and above is where I left off. I haven’t been able to write for a long time because it has not been safe. I slowly realized, like the slow trickle of water which overtime warps beautiful, wood floors (this actually happened on our new hardwood floors and God showed me something so much deeper in it), you can so quickly become wrecked and in need of some serious repair, which also happened. The wood floor has been ‘made new’ as I sometimes fight to remember to believe I am being made new, even while still feeling quite warped.
How could I write when I had nothing exciting to share, while also almost constantly wondering what people would think or say, with no ministry I was so excited to share about. It’s been a dry season, one where I have had to lean into Jesus and plenty of times choosing not to and instead lean into social media or a bag of dove dark chocolate. It’s been a season of saying goodbye to really good things over and over, not really understanding why.
For awhile, even after he clearly told me I needed to scale back, when I didn’t realize how bad it was or would become, I found myself seeking the next big thing to do for God’s kingdom when all He was asking me to do was crawl up on His lap and get some much needed healing.
So, I’ve gone from being a ‘doer’, to pulling back and waiting, trying to believe He will show Himself faithful, to be still and know that He is God. I thought that would be a cute little quick lesson and we’d be on to the next thing by now, and maybe in the grand scheme, it is, but right now it feels long and drawn out and only sometimes I’m grateful for it.
I’ve had more people than not, tell me how much our story, my writing and my husband’s has helped them so much, encouraged them, etc. I’ve had very few who have questioned it and honestly, who questioned everything I thought I was doing right, and over time, I let their voices win. I stopped. I felt defeated, still do but here I am, finally getting my heart to cry out loud, and let you in again to see that it’s been hard and I cannot explain why things were and then weren’t- but ministry can just get so messy.
I look back and see so clearly the call God had for us, and we followed and obeyed and those very things are no longer. It’s a story of imperfect obedience, but yes, obedience, making hard moves for our family and taking big steps of faith- as in, we could have totally lost everything and then only to have nothing to show for it. At least nothing we can really see yet. Oh hey- there’s that faithfulness I’m preaching about to my friends in the hard trenches and at the same time to myself as the words come out of my mouth and roll around in my head, praying they somehow find the right path back to my heart, too.
I am a tired, confused, searching woman knowing the truth but feeling broken, bruised, afraid sitting in the mud, crying out to God asking Him to show me Himself, not knowing how or when He will, or I may or may not give him space in my day to see. All of this I feel, but I don’t question if He is there, I know I am not alone.
I was in this space before, and I’m sure I’ll be here again in the near future, needing to remember His faithfulness but not quite seeing the end, how it all plays out.
Today I drove to a sacred space to me, a place I once released many tears, had a sick, dying son back home and all I could muster up was, “I need You to show me your glory.”
Those words didn’t match what my heart was screaming, but I’d later find out in a dream, they were exactly the words my heart was pleading for. Healing my son, Zekey. He showed me His glory enveloping my son, a few years older than he was, and he was healed.
Today, these days, the past few years, I’ve been struggling and I’m writing right now and sharing because I want to get brave again and share from a place that lets you all know that I don’t have it all together, in case you ever thought I did (wink emoji).
I’ve been a coward and I’ve not always let the truth of God’s word wash over me like I know is best for me. I’ve become afraid and wondered if I had a place to share my story anymore, even though in all of my conferences or small, sweet and intimate bible studies I’ve spoken at, I’ve told all of you that your story matters and God wants to use it and I believed that. I just haven’t wanted to share this part. I just wanted this season to quickly pass so to have something exciting to share and write about.
But the Lord isn’t asking me to do another big thing in this moment, maybe ever. He’s asking me to share with you, humbled, weak, torn and from a broken place. And not that I need you to be where I am, but I know that writing from a place where I have it all together (yes, there have been mountaintops where it felt as though we did) doesn’t really do much for any of you, heck, not for me either. Because maybe you don’t have it all together and you need to know you’re not alone. I know I’m not, we all suffer, we all experience hard things in this life, yes, some harder than others, scars deep, wounds in need of repair. But they all matter to God. We all matter to Him. God sees you, He sees me….He knows.
I’m sorry if I’ve ever made it seem like we have our stuff together, or that we’ve arrived. I’ve been told I do seem to have it all together and I quickly asked if they’d read my blog?!?!- hahaha! Probably not the best response but I feel like if you read our story, my blogposts were real and you cannot help but know it’s not been easy to say the least.
I’m hoping this is a new chapter, where I write from where I am again, where I truly am again. Sometimes high on a mountaintop and being able to throw out all of the encouragement to all of you (and may I use those seasons to absorb all the truth He has for me) so that….
when I’m not, and I’m in a valley, just trying to figure out what the heck happened and what in the world I’m supposed to be doing, I can use that truth and let it wash over me, tear-stained eyes searching the scriptures (not social media) for what He may be saying or showing me.
I’m here. I’m not a savior and my writing cannot bring you true peace or healing or lasting joy, but I pray I’m always pointing you to the One who can. That’s Jesus of course.
And this is my new blog. I’m going to try and get my old writing over at BreeLoverly.com moved over here eventually. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read. Leave a message below, I’d love to know you stopped by 🙂
And if you want updates, whether I post to FB, Instagram or not, feel free to pop in your email on the very bottom right. You’ll get all my posts first thing 🙂
Thanks for the years of reading my writing and the prayers lifting our family up. I’ll go ahead and give God the glory for the good, and for the cranky, snarky posts, I’ll take credit- haha!
And to those of you begging and encouraging me to write again, thank you. I feel peace and healing when I do, even if it’s from a place of brokenness. Forever grateful.