I have been exhausted and sad and snappy here and there over the last week. I would think of Zeke, which is normal, but I would just miss him so much…which also can be normal at times. As the days went on, though, unless I was busy, which I was while prepping for Andy’s birthday and having family in town, I would just feel so down.
I like to stay there until I can pinpoint it. I thought maybe it was the hydrangeas I planted because I planted those at our first house, the Zekey house, and just smiled and missed him. Then I was in the garage the other day and I smelled the Zekey house garage and it took me back and I missed those days, with all 4 kids in my care, here on earth.
I saw a post about a swing set someone was excited to use and I remembered getting one free from an old friend from church growing up and how my dad and I painted it after he and Andy set it up…at the Zekey house, when there was a time with 4 ‘healthy’ children.
I have a pictures I can’t find or maybe I don’t want to because it hurts too much. It screams ‘Mother’s Day’…now I’m going to find it. It’s with Zekey in the background playing in the water at the kitchen sink, something he loved to do, Bexley crying in my arms and the older two climbing the shelves to reach for something…
Glory. Oh man…those were some fun (tough) and holy days, am I right?!
Places, smells, visions….they can take you back in an instant and you can get sucker punched into remembering what was, and what was meant to be. That tension as we wait for glory, for heaven, for Jesus to return and to make all things right again.
Yesterday and today I could barely get out of bed. Life was feeling so heavy. I haven’t been sleeping well and then sleeping in. Ahmaud’s life being taken for being simply being black and his momma and the ache I couldn’t even imagine she was having. My own ache missing Zeke but not knowing why it wouldn’t go away…
I am just going to say that today, I even have experienced pain in my ovaries. YES MY OVARIES! It’s NOT time for that but my every part of my being that says ‘momma’ just hurts and aches.
I took my dog for a walk yesterday and I truly felt the glory of the Lord around me. My dog reminds me of Zeke. Now, please do NOT THINK FOR ONE SECOND that I think Zeke is ‘in’ my dog or anything like that. But, my dog’s original name was “Zeke” if you can believe it!
His name is now Mocha…actually it’s “Mocha Chocha (choke-ah) Latte Biscuits of the Gravy” and he is very obedient but also silly and fun and goofy and you can’t be around him without feeling better and happy! He is such a gift to us!
Anyway, I needed time alone (again, finding myself needing alone time more than normal these last few days) and I took him for a walk to the park. It was cold and no one else was there. The sun was finally out and I just felt joy in the midst of all this stuff I was dealing with. I felt God’s presence and it was a gift. It was cold but I didn’t want to go home and I even let Mocha run without the leash and his joy was abounding! I laughed and he kept checking on me to make sure I wasn’t too far and then would go run again. I cannot explain it other than even though I was walk/running for Ahumaud and I was aching for his mom and my own heart and grief, God was pouring out His grace through His presence. It was my favorite walk/run in a long time.
Isn’t that how it goes, though? We find ourselves at the end of our rope and we finally look up to see God right there! He says, “Here I am. Come to Me, and I will give you rest.” And sometimes He even brings joy when you least expect it. His willingness to meet us in the low valley and raise us up in due time is SO Him…He takes time with us, and meets us and walks with us and encourages us and brings joy in the morning.
I finally figured it out, only 6 hours before midnight. It will be Mother’s Day tomorrow and I was thinking of my mother and my MIL and making sure cards were in the mail and things were bought and letting Andy know what I wanted for dinner and dessert and breakfast….yeah, we go all out for these kinds of days and I’m 100% okay with it 😉
“oh, duh. It’s Mother’s Day and Zekey’s not here and that’s not okay!” and I just let myself cry in the car. The wave of grief finally came crashing and my head caught up with what my heart and my body already knew.
I immediately felt guilt. “How did I not put two and two together…did I forget Zekey is my son, too?!” No, my body and heart knew this whole time but life had it’s way of keeping me busy and I didn’t connect the dots. And that’s okay.
I ache for all the momma’s and women on this day and even men who grieve and celebrate all at once. Or just grieve. Wherever you are today, God sees you and He loves you so much.
This blog post that I’m not editing and don’t care to make it look pretty, all started with a nudge to make a little video message for the grieving mommas and people. And I didn’t plan it but this was all so heavy on my heart and I just had to share. It’s 10 minutes and I pray it is an encouragement to you.
Happy Mother’s Day and it’s okay if it’s not all happy.